Ask Dr Nicki: Stressed at Home

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr. Nicki,

Recently a new girl moved into my apartment. We knew each other and got along fine before she moved in, but now she’s become really withdrawn, and seems to be angry at me and my other housemate...but doesn’t tell us why! Instead of just communicating, she’s been "getting back" at us by scattering furniture, or taking household items and lying about it. If we’ve done something to upset her I genuinely want to work it out, but she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. What can I do to keep my cool, help her open up, and bring peace back into my apartment?!


Dr. Nicki says:


Dear Stressed at home:

Clearly this is an ugly circumstance that must be remedied SOON, as it's guaranteed to get worse.

Things you should know:

First, people operate in pattern, which means if you think you knew her before you did not. It's highly unlikely that someone who is so passive aggressive with you in the homestead isn't the same everywhere she goes. Next roommate you take on you will be well-served to get her talking about her past before you say yes to her joining your home.

The questions might be things like:

"What things bug you about people?"

"What jobs have you loved and why; what jobs have you hated and why?"

If you listen carefully you will hear who you are truly inviting into your up-close-and-personal space. And that's the worst thing about this situation:

Home wants to be your 'safe place' - the space you go that allows you to regroup after spending time in the (oft times challenging) daily world. [Tweet This]

Second, you're clearly in relationship to someone who is both duplicitous and withholding. I sincerely doubt if getting it "worked out" is going to happen. It might be informative for you to discover why its so important to you to fix this.

What does this want to fix have to do with your pattern (history, fears, personal esteem)?

What do you imagine will happen if it can't be fixed (cause probably it can't)?


Third, if she's lying about the stealing she's lying about other things. That means she's not at all trustworthy. Living with untrustworthy people creates a toxic atmosphere. If she tells you why she thinks she's doing this, it probably has far deeper roots than she realizes and is certainly a more complicated problem than you're prepared to deal with.


Why would you continue to sign up for that?


Bottom line is:


Give her ONE chance to explain herself and if she refuses let her know the situation isn't tenable and then proceed to do whatever you can to break the roommate contract.


Best of luck with all this. Let us know what happens!


Faithfully,


Dr. Nicki















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