Ask Dr. Nicki: Saying Goodbye to “Stuff”

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

I am a 67-year-old man and I have been a let's call it "eclectic collector" for over 40 years of my life. Although my wife would call me a "junk collector". She wants me to start selling off and/or throwing stuff away. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I don't know why I have such an emotional attachment to physical items but I do. How can I start saying goodbye to my stuff?

Dr. Nicki says:

Dear Eclectic Collector-

I sympathize with both you and your wife as my husband is just like you. Witnessing his "collecting" (and variously being annoyed by it, or at other times amused and even occasionally impressed) I've done some personal as well as professional digging with regards to this tendency.

If we want to be hard-line about it we'd probably call you a hoarder. Before you get too riled up please note that compulsive hoarding affects approximately 700,000 to 1.4 million people in the US. Indeed, you are not alone. Of course, these figures cover the gamut from more to less.

First, where does it all start? Usually "collecting" begins in our teenage years, becoming more and more excessive over time. Most interesting to me of course is the trigger. Why does this phenomena appear in the first place?

From a psycho-spiritual perspective it seems most likely that gathering things around you is an adult version of having all your stuffed animals pulled near on your child bed. There's a self-soothing quality to the procedure -- as if we're building a safe stronghold. Along those lines, I've noticed that in many hoarding cases the individuals come from chaotic family-of-origin homes. In those instances it makes sense that in the center of the storm we want to hold onto a stabilizing object. Over time, then, objects begin to represent a kind of certainty. As the world around us spins, becoming ever more unmanageable as life tends to do, we find immutable "things" to touch and see -- things that remind us of stable moments. Things that pause time.

Often "collectors" consider themselves sentimental and nostalgic. Indeed, they find a sweetness in the memories evoked by objects found. Again, this feels more like a desire to make time stand still in a world rushing by.

How do you say goodbye to your stuff, you ask? First, begin to understand that your memories are not contained in the items! Those precious memories are held in your heart and mind's eye. Second, it's helpful to realize the impact the collecting is having on you and on those around you. The clutter? The overwhelm? The stress? Third, begin by separating the things into categories: A) favorites; B) representative (of certain time, place, era, experiences); C) holder-oners (things you have just because some day you might use them).

Now, take some time to write about your feelings with regards to each grouping. Start with C (obviously you're going to let this group go first!) What do these items really mean to you? What do you imagine will happen if you let them go?


For group B, write about the experiences the items represent. See how those experience live boldly within you, without needing the items to remind you. Once you understand your feelings you can share them with your wife. It promises to be an intimate conversation.

For group A - find a way to beautifully display what you've decided is important to you. Have reverence for the things you've chosen. If you discover it feels wrong or silly to have particular items on display perhaps they're in the wrong grouping. Place them where they belong.

Bottom line: Things don't make you feel safe. Things don't define you. Things don't hold your memories. You are more than the things around you. Figure out other ways to feel safe. Honor the romantic, nostalgic, sweet person in you -- but discover how to do it in a way that doesn't clutter your life and burden your marriage!

Faithfully, Dr. Nicki

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