Ask Dr. Nicki: Health or Pleasure?

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr. Nicki,

My wife keeps nagging me to “eat healthier.” I’ve already cut down my trips to fast food stops, but this just isn't enough for her. I know I need to loose weight, and watch my blood pressure, but I’m taking pills and not eating as much fast food. I don’t care about all these health food crazes, and honestly hate the taste of most “healthy" food and vegetables in general. How can I get her to chill out and let me just enjoy eating like I used to? We can’t even enjoy a dinner together anymore with out ending up in some argument about what I’m ordering! Thanks for any advice you have on this.


Dr. Nicki says:

Dear Eater-

First, let me say it doesn't sound like you're taking potential health improvement very seriously ("I've CUT DOWN trips to..." " I'm taking pills..." to fix the problem, which implies none of the exercise known to reduce blood pressure).

And, by the way, you have a perfect right to the less concerned attitude you're adopting!

Seriously.

Just know, as with all choices, there are consequences. Of course, most of us think WE will magically escape those potential consequences. Hope that's true for you.

Now here's the rub: 

Your wife is also facing the potential consequences of your cavalier attitude.

I suggest you begin with a deeper conversation about the issues:

Ask her what deeper concerns are surfacing for her, stimulated by your eating and high blood pressure.

Is she afraid, for instance,of losing you to an early death? Or, is she jealous because she eats with such care while witness your lack of restraint? Does she feel like her "needs" are being ignored? Is 'taking care of you' one of her jobs, so to speak, and she feels her caring, good council is being dismissed?

In other words:

Find out why she's so relentless about this topic.

On the other hand you can set a boundary. That might look like telling her how much you appreciate her attempts to be helpful, but that you simply aren't where she is with regards to health and that you would appreciate her refraining from mentioning your eating anymore.

Her not being able to let it go might mean you guys not sharing meals anymore. (Or you could eat your fav foods when not with her and eat a bit better when sharing a meal!) Let her know it's simply not helping to have her constant conversation about this, however, if there comes a time when you change your mind and want to walk a healthier road you promise to ask for her guidance.

Now I must say, dear eater, that my husband and I have walked down the road you're on. I'm a very, very healthy eater and my hubby feels much the way you do about "enjoying" his food and about what works for him. I finally needed to come to the conclusion that it's his body and he gets to decide what to do with it. But it took me moving to a deep level of acceptance.

I worry about him. I worry about losing him.

But I also want him to live the life he wants to live.

Really there's two parts here. One's yours and your attitude towards your life. The other is your wife and her attitude towards your life.

Both parts need understanding so you can together move towards a more harmonious union!

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki



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