From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: BETRAYAL - It’s a Wonderful Life

We all know the equal opportunity employer known as betrayal.

Usually it hits like a sudden storm. We never seem to expect it, even though afterwards we realize there’ve been plenty of signs.

A while back, over ahi tuna, yellowtail and avocado rolls, I watched my good friend describe the dreadful details of his recent ambush. The conversation turned my thoughts to suffering. Suffering’s punch and suffering’s promise.

What's the point, we wonder over and again – why do these “lousy” events have to happen to us?! Often we bemoan our fate, sitting in pout, complaining about the poor-me of it all. People betray us, we grouse. Life betrays us, we stomp. Time betrays us, we moan. Turns out, betrayal and the suffering that comes with it, have a point. Honest they do.

But what in the name of bleep could that point possibly be?

Let’s start with the word. Suffering comes from the Latin sub ferre meaning to take upon oneself. So what are we taking on and why? The great psychiatrist/psychotherapist Carl Jung discusses two kinds of suffering -- meaningless suffering and meaningful suffering. Turns out they are to some degree connected to each other, for meaningless suffering comes from trying to avoid the very pain meaningful suffering suggests greeting!

"Greet pain -- are you nuts?!" I hear you scream.   

Yes, greet pain. Because suffering pain introduces you to the humility that teaches real compassion. (Humiliation leads to humility). Not pity. Not: “Awww…poor baby…” but true, deeply felt, long-lasting Compassion.

So what’s so great about compassion? Turns out it’s one of the most effective ways of revealing our humanity. Let me repeat: Compassion brings us into connection with our humanity. So what? Well, making contact with personal humanity allows a deepened relationship to all humanity. And in case you’ve lost the thread of why the majority of us are here – it’s to fulfill the most complete human being experience we each can according to the mandates of our individual psyches.

There’s also another thing important about suffering. It’s the other side of Joy. You can barely know one without the other. Indeed. There is no up without down and no in without out. Thus, there’s no joy without suffering. Opposites teach us about each other.

And further, pain wakes us up! That means, pain stimulates feelings-- lets us know we're alive. Again – isn’t that the point of this being born journey?!

All-in-all these slap wake up calls are clearly about more than meets the eye. Maybe, just maybe, while reminding us of our humanity, and keeping our oh-so-easily-inflated egos in check through humility and showing us the other side of joy -- maybe we can grow ever closer to an authentic appreciation of life on its own terms -- that is, life beyond our (imaginings of) control.

One day a water and power technician came to install a new automated version of the meter-reading instrument. While making the switch he donned his sun glasses on a not-so-sunny day in a fairly dark corner of the house. “Why do you wear those to do this?” I asked about the seemingly extreme protection he put on while engaging his apparently uncomplicated task. “Well, things don’t always go as planned,” he answered simply.

Indeed. 

By the by -- my friend's wake-up call in this last suffering of betrayal truly changed his life. Maybe your next dance with pain can change yours too -- if you let it.