Ask Dr. Nicki: Arguing Parents

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

I am a sophomore in high school now and my parents are ALWAYS arguing. My MO is to just go into my bedroom and lock the door and try not to listen. But I'm starting to think that maybe I need to actually say something to them or do some kind of argument intervention or something. What can I do???


Dr. Nicki says:

Dear Hiding-in-Room:

You're in a tough spot. You've learned a reasonable way of taking care of yourself, though I hope while in your room you've found a way of expressing your feelings and thoughts. Perhaps you write, or paint, or build things? Maybe you read. Unfortunately the go-to is often video-games...an understandable diversion however an activity tending to take you further away from yourself rather than closer.

One concerning thing is that you "try not to listen". Not that listening to your parents fight is itself a great idea, however it's easy to become a person who goes through the world not listening to the more difficult parts of whats going on around them. This can lead to apathy, an inability to express, an absence of true empathy and many other things.

Of course, from your brief question I have no idea of your emotional state. What I do know is you're getting (and likely internalizing) poor examples of how relationship supposedly works (incorrect); you're thrown into ideas about your own powerlessness in terms of taking action in difficult circumstances (incorrect); and you're learning there's no where to turn when things get rough (incorrect)! And believe me try as you might, you DO hear what the fights are about which means you're taking on terrible ideas about money or fidelity or loyalty or interdependence or whatever. Additionally, there might other elements present such as alcohol adding to your information overload.

Is it time to say something? Probably. What I suggest is that you speak to your parents when they are not fighting. Speak to them together. Let them know how their fighting makes you feel. But most of all, I suggest you ask your folks in the cool light of day if you can seek counseling. You need and deserve someone to talk to about all this. Or there might be school counselors to approach. Do what you can to reach out to a professional guide. Being alone with this will only make everything worse.

Walking beside you Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

____

To get YOUR questions answered please submit to: drnicki@stucknomore.com



















Feel free to submit anonymously or by name.