Ask Dr. Nicki: Child or No Child

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

My husband and I have been talking about having a child for several years now. But we keep putting it off until "finances are better". I'm starting to think that finances will never be good enough to justify having a child in our minds. Should we just go for it and try and have a child? Or should we roll up our sleeves and once and for all figure out how to bring more money in? Or do you think that maybe we are just putting it off because deep down inside we don't want the child? We would really appreciate your advice.

Dr. Nicki says:

Dear To-Child-or-Not-to-Child:

Oh, my dear questioner, you've most certainly buried the lead, for in fact, yes, "maybe...deep down inside we don't want the child" is the true more profound consideration calling you. Still, thinking the problem might be money is where most first go. Indeed, the majority of couples grouse about and fight about two primary areas: sex & money. Why? Because they are quantifiable. "We had sex once this month/you want sex constantly/all you think about is sex/you think sex is intimacy, but I need more!!" And/Or: "You don't bring in enough money/you spend more money than we have/I make all the money so why should I do anything else" etc. Naturally, it's harder to say: "You gave me only 10% or your attention this month/you disrespect me 22% or the time/you listen to me 6% of the month/you contribute 33% of the time while I contribute %99 of the time."

But back to the main topic at hand - to have the child or not to have the child, that is the question. No, it's not about money. Truth is, few who have children can truly guarantee affording those kids over time. Not the point. People do and don't have kids for a myriad of emotional and psychological reasons. There are pros and cons in both directions.

Yes, in today's world there are no rules. Used to be having children was expected. No more. Choice is the word of the day. This truth is both a burden and a benefit (as are all things). It means you really get to dig in to figure your YOUR pros and cons. So make a list of each. Have your partner do the same. Don't share your lists until they are complete. And then have an honest, intimate, vulnerable conversation about what's going on. You are promised to know more about yourselves and each other through this.

If it turns out you actually don't want kids dig in to deal with the potential "embarrassment", for indeed though we live in a world of choice some will have opinions about yours. If it turns out you agree on having a child start now! There will never be the perfect time.

Most importantly, when you say you've "been talking about this" for years, have you really?? Do the two of you sit down for those long thirst-quenching dialogues that let us remember why/how we fell in love in the first place? Perhaps you've gotten so caught up in the 'doing' of your lives you're drifting from each other. This vivid conversation can let into the partnership a wonderful, revitalizing summer breeze. It may be difficult to get the stale air moving, but guaranteed the relationship will be well-served through this sharing.

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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