Ask Dr. Nicki: Becoming Agitated

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

I have a very "public" job that I have been a top performer at for nearly 20 years. I've always loved what I do. And I still love what I do. However… I find myself more and more lately feeling bothered by people even though that is part of the job I signed up for. And it never used to bother me. But now I find myself getting agitated by every look and question from people. Should I find a new job? Which I don't want to do… How do I get rid of these feelings? Or maybe I do need to get a new job. I am SO confused!

Dr. Nicki says:

Dear Public Person:

Being in Hollywood and working with a wide range of super public people, this is a concern I've often run across.

First, it would be interesting for you to discover why this visibility piece has become increasingly irritating to you. What might be different now in your life that leaves you feeling intruded upon or over-responsible or under fire or cornered or whatever phrase might be most apt? What's changed?

Second, there's an overall issue here with "celebrity" of any sort. That issue is called projection. Projection is where we take our thoughts, feelings, resentments, fears, hopes, dreams etc and throw them onto the screen called the world/other. Everyone does it. We, in fact, inevitably see the world through the eyes of projection. Now, when you're a more public person you are aware that many, many other eyes are trained upon you and that projections come at you constantly. People assume who you are based on what they've made up about you (and even more, based on how they feel about themselves and their own lives). It's easy to experience those eyes and assumptions piecing our privacy, like sharply pointed laser beams or sometimes poison arrows. It doesn't matter the intention of the other. Our experience is our experience.

The trick is to become transparent to the projections. What this means is: be like the pane of glass - the window - standing between you and outdoor elements. You can through that glass pane see the wind blowing through the trees; the rain shimmering down upon the ground; and the darkness of night descending but none of it touches you. You know it's happening but remain immune to its affects.

This, naturally, is no easy matter. It needs constant self-talk coupled with the initial understanding of what the problem you're really having is about. Start by writing to discover what's bothering you so much about this. Meanwhile realize: you get to decide what to focus on in terms of what really disturbs your peace of mind. You decide.

On the other side of this is that you say you still love what you do. Many cannot make that claim. Do not be so quick to throw out the baby with the bath!

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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