Ask Dr. Nicki: Getting Bullied

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr. Nicki,

My son is in seventh grade now. And over the last few years he has gained a lot of weight. We are doing things to try and incorporate healthier eating and exercise… But my question for you right now is that he is getting bullied and getting name called and made fun of a lot. How do I explain this away? What advice do I give him??


Dr. Nicki says:

Several issues shine through your question. The areas to be addressed are: communication; weight gain; bullying. First, I'd wonder how you know your son is being bullied? If he's told you, congratulations as that indicates there's already some degree of good communication in the household. On the other hand, I'm hearing that good communication, if present, isn't being exercised with regards to the weight gain.

Most people look at weight gain as the "problem". Perhaps you have done so as well. Actually, weight gain is most often a solution to unaddressed emotional issues. "Healthy eating & exercise" are great but will not actually address whatever is really going on. The idea would be to speak to your son about his feelings - perhaps about how he (even before the bullying began) gets along with his schoolmates; about how what pressures he might be feeling at home and at school; about his struggles with growing up, etc. If you are at a loss as to how to best do this perhaps theirs a school counselor that can help or an outside counselor to contact.

As to the bullying, it's important to let him tell you the nature of the bullying. There may be hints in it. Is that also about his weight or is he being taunted about are other things? Children can be cruel -- and often honest. While bullying is an effort by the bully to feel better about him or herself by putting down another, there are often seeds of intuition buried in the bullies taunts. When you find out what's being said you'll need to look deep within yourself to check for resonance. Being clear about what lives within US is always a key to being effective with others.

Unfortunately, bullying doesn't stop in childhood and these days its a national sport. Plus, on top of usual bullying ways we've added cyber-bullying! So it's great to establish ways early on how to deal with such things!

Most importantly, look at what's going on at home. How do you as parents conduct yourselves around: encouraging the expressing of feelings; talking about others; and discussing the world at large? Children learn three ways: by example, by example, by example.

All-in-all this is a complicated question not easily answered in a pithy column. Again I suggest that you reach out for assistance in this. But start by having a frank conversation with your son. Be sure the conversation is an invitation. Let him know he's safe to confide anything to you. For him to believe you, you'll need to check your own judgments at the door.

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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