Ask Dr. Nicki: Family-In-Laws

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

My wedding day is set for the summer. And of course I'm very excited about it. My fiancé is a really great guy and I really love him a lot. But here's the catch… His parents drive me crazy. And not in a fun crazy way. Ever since we moved in together, they have not come to visit us once, yet when he was living on his own they would visit all the time. When we go to visit them, they will go as far as pretty much acting as if I'm not in the room. My fiancé thinks it's all in my head but I know that it's not. How do I break through to these people without losing my temper or ostracizing myself further??

Dr. Nicki says:

Indeed, partners come with a battery pack - the hard-wired in family from whence they hail! Inevitably, there's good news and bad news about this. There's several ways to deal with the challenges before you and none of those ways are easy:

1. Stop imagining its your job to "break through" to them. You are only part of the equation. What's most important is that you stay authentic and receptive. Whatever they have going on about their son getting partnered is likely to have little to do with you.

2. Focus at this point on the wedding and, most importantly, on continuing to establish a terrific relationship with your soon-to-be hubby. Some time AFTER the wedding you might consider taking the father/mother aside and saying: "I really want to establish the best possible relationship with you. I'm wondering if there's any way you can think of to make that happen? I realize I'm an outsider coming into this family, however I love your son more than anything and look forward to creating a wonderful life together. You are both hugely important to him so any way we can find to be closer, please know I'm open to and available for." Now, you could do this before the wedding however they may give you no feedback which would only further hurt you. Afterwards, it's a done deal. If they don't reply or act as if you've got two heads the response will simply be to thank them for listening.

3. The third and hardest thing is to look inside yourself to recognize the parts of you that reject YOU. Notice if there's any pattern here. In other words, have you previously been or felt outcasted in your life? When, where and how? Imagine what there might be to learn from this experience.

4. Cut your partner and his parents a break. It might, for whatever reason, be challenging for the parents to realize their son is creating a new life of his own. Again, we have no idea what feelings support their behavior. And as to your partner: at this point he needs to see his parents a certain way. Give him time. Of course there's one more possibility which is, you're expecting the parents to act a particular way that's simply out of their wheelhouse. Again, that has nothing to do with you, but you're taking it personally. That taking it personally business is your problem to grapple with.

Eventually, one of three things will likely happen - a. your in-laws will realize you're there to stay and come around; b. your partner will see what's happening and confront the situation; or c. (if you're planning on having kids) a child will be born and shift everything. Again, though, your job is to focus on the partnership. Perhaps you will eventually realize the "blind loyalty" your partner evidences with regards to his parents can, when turned towards you, also hold you in good stead with regards to (the inevitable) coupleship glitches.

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki


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