Ask Dr. Nicki: Cheating Boyfriend

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

I'm sure you get this question all the time… But I just can't figure out how to wrap my mind around this. I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. And we broke up. But now he is doing everything he can to win me back. And I actually think it's kind of working. Can I actually trust him again? Or should I ignore these feelings and keep him kicked to the curb?


Dr. Nicki says:


The question is far bigger, actually, than can you trust him! First, what has your boyfriend discovered about his own impetus to cheat? And what do you know about what cheating means to you?; Second, is your boyfriend in a pattern of hunt-and-get, meaning does he feel empowered or validated primarily by getting what's not available to him? If so, where does that come from? Plus, what is your relationship history when it comes to unavailable men?; Third, what is it about being pursued in this way that "works" for you despite your doubts?; Fourth (and most importantly) what recognizable relationship patterns are you each in and where did those patterns begin?

I'm not hearing anything that significantly suggests real change has occurred, or true depthful understanding investigated, so what will make a reconciliation turn out differently? Actually, the thing you want to be looking most at is your own relationship to trust - that is, to trusting yourself. That's a profound self-investigation. As always, writing, ruminating and rummaging through your history will likely shed light on the situation.

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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