From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: How To Be Powerful & Still Feel Fabulously Feminine

We’ve come a long way baby - from secretaries to CEO’s, from housewives to domestic Goddesses. Now it’s time to celebrate the changes…as only a Woman can do! 

Back in the 60’s, when the concept of “liberated woman” was just coming into fashion, we burned our bras and staged rebellions. No one was going to tell us what to do or how to do it. We had brains, stamina and now, we had ambition too. 

Not that there hadn’t always been women in the forefront of things – pioneers that threw caution to the wind, risking condemnation by the many in pursuit of art, science, or athleticism. But they were the exception. And somehow most people assumed those women weren’t very content in their private lives. After all, they’d given up a “normal” relationship for some odd dream. “Well, good luck to them”, many   would think, “but that’s not for me”.

                    

Then the 60’s happened and out we popped. It would all be different now, we insisted: better; more satisfying. We would finally feel complete. Accomplished. We would be the ones in charge. 

Well, it didn’t exactly turn out that way.

        

                    What’s Real Power Anyway?  

By the time we women began tapping at glass ceilings, we’d dumped into major confusion. What was “real” power supposed to look like, we grimly scowled and grimaced? Most of our role models, after all, were male. On them, power looked like grabbing for control. And money-clamoring. And proving a point.

                    

Well then, if we’re going to play the part, we should look the part, we thought. Makes sense. So, we dressed like men, worked like men, tried to think like men and taking an eager racing stance, propelled ourselves forward with our manly intentions tightly grasped in our hungry feminine fingers.

                    The Awful Truth

Please forgive this extreme characterization but, in fact, it’s not that far off: secretaries (as usual) showed their figures, while women CEO’s hid theirs; “sensible” was preferred and intuitive was minimized. The credo rang out: put your career first and the rest of your life second. 

Eventually, women started hugely resembling the very men they’d always most resented. And that’s the awful truth.     

                    

More recently, however, many of us have come to realize that in our great grunt towards power, we’ve short-changed ourselves -- have discarded our best parts, off-handedly scattering them across our smooth polished upwardly mobile floors, like old despised photos of past lovers we’re ashamed to remember. 

                    The Times, They Are A ’Changin’

Finally we’ve begun to put our feminine power where our mouths are –we’ve stopped imitating men long enough to truly realize our unique resources and strengths -- to celebrate the special qualities that define us as the extraordinary gender we are. After all, it’s those qualities that allowed us to endure the harsh prairie hardships; till the soil with babies on our hips; multi-task like nobody’s business; often understand what’s needed and wanted before the person we’re dealing with even recognizes it himself; lean gloriously and successfully on our fabulous intuition; nurture wherever possible; explore, examine and exhibit true service; and most of all, do what we do best - establish reliable, coherent flow through relationships.   

                    But What About Having a Partner??

Still, there’s the pesky personal relationship problem. Yes, we have more career options than ever before, our salaries are rising and quite often our self-esteem is rising too. But where, oh where, are the partners who can “handle” the new women we are becoming?

Time after time couples sit in my office with the same [underlying] complaint: “I feel…” he says bravely, after we plow through the chit chat, the distracting issues and really finally get down to it, “I feel diminished by the fact that she’s making more money and is more successful than me.”

                    

“Well, that’s not my fault!” she answers testily. “You’d do better if you tried harder. I mean, should I give up my job just so you can feel like a real man!”

                    

Ouch. Again, the point’s been missed by both of them.

                    

Her reaction is dripping with guilt. Actually, she’s not really certain yet if she deserves all she’s accomplishing. She’s just now trying to get used to being treated with respect and has not yet realized that respecting herself is an essential part of the equation. Besides which, underneath it all, she’s terrified she’s just too much for him and at the end of the tale, she’ll hit the finish line abandoned and alone.

                    

Meantime, he’s wagging his finger at her when he should really be investigating his own relationship to the concept of contribution. She’s not denying him access to his sense of manhood – he is. The key is for each of them to take responsibility for their own decisions, attitudes, contributions and reactions.

Truthfully, though, men these days have a perfect right to be confused. After all, the rules basically changed while their backs were turned. How are they now supposed to “prove” their worth? If and when they are not the main producers, what are their roles? When do they step up and when do they step out? 

In the final analysis couples today each need to figure out their own rules. Both as individuals and as partners.  It’s essential to remember that the way we treat ourselves is the way we can expect to be treated by others. That means feeling good in the world starts with feeling good in ourselves.

                    

                                    Reverses

As could be expected though, there’s lately been a corporate woman backlash, meaning just because we can become high achievers at the office doesn’t mean we want to. Sometimes diaper-changing and homemaking is just the right fit. You see, we have options! The point is not where or how we as powerful women should be – the point is: where and how and who do we want to be? We have the ability to be as effective in the board room as in the bedroom or in the baby’s room. Yes, gratefully now, we have the choice to be proudly, wonderfully, vividly female everywhere.  

                    

We are Women. Hear us.       

** this is a re-post of a blog that first posted on May 16, 2016