Ask Dr. Nicki: Financially Stressed?

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr Nicki,

I feel like my marriage is falling apart just because of our financial situation. We never seem to have enough, and when bills come due every month me and my husband get into fights about where our money is going. Things like my home purchases and his gym membership get argued about. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We both want to get ahead financially, but can’t agree, and I just want the arguing to stop. I think our marriage could be peaceful again if we could just see eye to eye on this! What can we do to get there? Please help!


Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Financially Stressed!

It's always rough when financial concerns rear their ugly heads. I do maintain, however, that no matter what we imagine finances-- like sex-- are merely the repositories of other issues. 

They hold our fears, fantasies, hopes, wishes and disappointments. They're able to do so because they are quantifiable as in:

"We have $200 in the bank to last 'til Saturday! You're spending more than you contribute!!" or..

"We made love only twice this month!"

It's harder to say:

"You gave me only 15% of your respect this week!" Or..

"I feel appreciated and loved only three hours a month!"

One of the ways to approach understanding the underlying issues -- the things not being said between you and your partner -- is (as usual) to go inside self, ask the hard questions, and write about what comes forward. Ask your partner to do the same.

The questions you start with are:

If this isn't about money what might we actually be fighting about?

How is life not turning out the way we expected?

Dig deep.

Go further.

Ask yourselves probing question after probing question.

Now share together in a frank, open-hearted way what's driving your fears.

Being 'peaceful' is not the only aim in relationship. Actually, these challenging times can enrich our lives immeasurably. If you want to "get ahead" as you say, try bringing the relationship to a new, more depthful level.

Having enough money is wonderful.

Having the best love-life possible is blissful.

So how about acting as if love is leading the way?

Remember what you appreciate and respect about each other. Sit together, looking at each other and share those things. Treat the relationship as if it's precious.

Because money problems will come and go, but the relationship wants to be the platform on which you most firmly stand.

Faithfully,


Dr. Nicki





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