Ask Dr. Nicki: Empty-Nest Emotions?

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr Nicki,

My youngest of 3 children has been in college for a year now, and it’s been the hardest year of my life. I put so much into raising my kids, and now they’re just…gone. I know this is how it’s supposed to be, but I guess I just never expected them to feel so distant. A couple of them try to keep in touch, one rarely does, and I just feel so lonely at home. Me and my husband got so wrapped up in our kids, we don’t even know how to just be together at home anymore. I’ve been trying to just get a grip and find a hobby or something, but I figured after a year of feeling like this, I should reach out for help. Can you give me any advice on navigating this season? Thank you.



Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Empty-Nester:

Naturally, as I'm sure you are aware, this experience is world-wide!


Part of the problem is parents aren't taught that an aspect of their life-long best parenting wants to include keen attention to the letting-go process -- not only for themselves but for the children as well.

Let me elaborate:

Kids naturally try to "individuate" (find their own true voice beyond you, peer members, societal demands etc. ) several key times along their developmental path. The time called the "terrible two's" where NO! becomes word of the day is one; teenage years are another; graduation experiences; and your current time - college and on it goes!

Your kids, then, as you say, are at present doing what they're 'supposed' to be doing - which is moving away from you and into themselves. It's actually a challenging and awkward process for them -- one in which many of them attempt to come off with 'certainty'. It's a ruse of course but takes some time to shift out of. The world, though, teaches the error of that false-confidence perspective. Hopefully such bravado is replaced with real self-esteem.

As hard as it is for them to separate and find themselves it's also particularly hard for you.

Why?

Because you've developed a dependence on your definition of self as mom. "If I'm not mom who am I?" becomes your query. And actually there's something wonderful and exciting in that very question facing you right now.

When I say exciting I mean it.

Of course, adopting that perspective is easier said than done. But imagine that you now get to figure out, dig into and decide how the rest of your life wants to be and who/how you get to be in that life!

Yes, your life stretches out before you with new possibilities. YOU get to decide how you want to view these new options. You get to look inside and realize the perhaps forgotten feelings, thoughts and desires remaining dormant within. And you get to wake those feelings, thoughts and desire up out of their long sleep.

You've learned more in these years than you might imagine -- gained skills you've yet to identify.

Start with that.

Make a list:

What has mothering taught you about yourself?

About how to approach situations?

About decision-making?

Then look at early dreams, wishes and hopes. Begin writing.

There's much to be discovered, uncovered and revealed. Life is inviting you to engage new adventures!

I promise not only will you be well-served by your fresh-journey exploits, you kids lives and learnings will also grow by witnessing their adventuresome mom making new life choices! 

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki


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