Ask Dr. Nicki: Magnet for Mean Men?

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr Nicki,

I just can’t seem to find a good guy out there. I mean, they always seem nice when we first start dating, but once we get deeper into the relationship I always discover I’ve somehow picked another real jerk! I’ve had a few years now of really bad relationships- with guys who get really controlling or even abusive. I’m sick of it! How do I get out of this cycle? Is there a way to “spot” a good guy that won’t eventually start treating me like trash?! Thank you so much for any help!



Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Relationship Challenged!

I've been asked this question multiple times a day for thirty years!!

In fact, it's one of the frequent asks inspiring my second book Our Love Matters: Find it, Keep it, or Let it Go!

As it turns out the answer to the question is hugely complicated (which is how it turned into a long book!), for, as with most things, the solution is more than meets the eye.

The question you see, dear reader, really wants to be:

What is it about ME that continues to repeat a long-standing pattern of seeking disrespectful, difficult, painful relationships?

Yes, it's (fortunately) true that YOU are the crux of your matter.

I'm always to some degree surprised when folks balk at this idea, for I see this as an empowering notion. Because if you are the problem, then you are also the solution! Indeed, you don't have to wait for others to change. You simply need to shift yourself.

Thus, the answer to the "spot" the-right-guy-question is:

Figure out first what ideas, defenses, old stories and childhood experiences rule your vision today.[Tweet This]

I can promise you what you're choosing today is based in what you encountered, absorbed, and witnessed yesterday. And, naturally, your interpretation of those historical matters.

The depthful inner work I'm suggesting is not easy.

It means looking your own ways and means in the eye.

It requires accepting that you need to start treating yourself differently before you can expect others to treat you differently.

It requires learning strong boundaries, discernment and most of all:

Self-love.

Right now the men who come into your life reflect how you (deeply) feel about yourself. In fact, the men who come into your life will always reflect how you deeply feel about yourself. So change how you feel and joyfully greet the new reflections that will come.

You are the author of your story.

Know that.

See that.

Accept that.

Now go embrace change.

Faithfully, Dr. Nicki



To get YOUR questions answered please submit to: drnicki@stucknomore.com
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