Ask Dr. Nicki: Loss of a Cherished Pet

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr. Nicki -

Do you have any suggestions for a woman in her mid 50’s who lost her fur baby (Boston Terrier) six months ago? I can’t get past it. I’m grieving hard! I have a child and a precious frenchie, so it’s not like I’m alone, and I do see a wonderful therapist. This dog was my baby. He was the same age as my daughter, and his death was so sudden. Help!!



Dear Fur-Baby Mom-

I know well the pain of loss when these precious family members pass! I've said goodbye to four fur kids in the last year and a half. There are several things to keep in mind and several things to do to move through the grief.

First, though, let me address the elephant in the room:

The impact of LOSS itself.

When we have an extended response to any circumstance its best to realize the likelihood that we're plugging into other (older) issues not precisely relevant to the current story we're telling.

Thus, in this case it's notable that:

a) There's no mention of partner;

b) Because you're not physically "alone"as you have another pup, child and even terrific therapist, doesn't mean you don't deal with feelings of loneliness;

c) Getting the pup at a time when you were in a very different stage of life...having a child and (perhaps) early years of marriage with all the anticipatory material that goes with that, etc. automatically hooks this loss into inner conversations about dreams and plans lost as well;

d) What other "sudden" events have you felt derailed by in your life? Are you a big planner? Do you imagine you can be prepared for most eventualities and what happens to you when you're unable to anticipate outcomes?

Of course, there's more to be discovered here but this is a good place to start.

As to what to keep in mind:

There's no "proper" expiration date on grief. [Tweet This]

This is a great opportunity for you to explore your overall relationship to loss and what your usual ways of dealing with such are.

And try not to beat yourself up for the depth of your feelings!

As to ways to move through, I'll bet your therapist has mentioned a few, however here are my suggestions in a brief list. Move towards the ones that inspire:

a) Write a letter to your beloved pup. (I suggest your child follow suit). Together with her read the letters out loud to the dog. Perhaps before you do this prepare an area that feels sacred. This wants to feel like a ritual goodbye. Lighting a candle can be a nice touch. Afterwards you can burn the letters and as they burn say a few final words. What's great about this is its not only good for you but allows your child in on the all-important closure process.

Learning how to gracefully let go is a lifelong process. Starting early is helpful. [Tweet This]

b) Talk about what you loved about your sweet animal(don't avoid conversations about the subject) -- what grew in you through the relationship? 

c) Write about what you imagine will happen if you release yourself from the grief? (Would that invalidate the importance of your pup's life?)

d) Write about your overall relationship to letting go (people; ideas; resentments: things: situations). Do you generally have trouble letting go?

e) Keep looking at your relationship to loss and grief.

These heartbreaks are opportunities to understand ourselves better and to grow. I recently heard a delightful Rabbi at a memorial events say:

"Gratitude is the other side of Grief!"

Yes.

Heartfully, 

Dr. Nicki





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