From the Brain of Dr Nicki: Fighting the Odds

Anyone who’s been in relationship for more than a nano-second is no stranger to fighting. You bet.

We usually start small, but even in the best of relationships, conflict has a snow-ball effect which means what begins as a minor skirmish, at some point leaves us haggard and torn, crouching in the battle front trenches. Often we can’t even imagine how we got there. It’s like we pulled a tiny string sticking out of a precious garment only to find, much to our surprise, how easily the entire garment unravels. 

Truth is, disgruntlements simmer deep inside before ever actually bobbing to the surface. Worse still, what finally first bubbles up is seldom the true point. But into battle about that “apparent” issue we again go. 

As if yet another squabble will fix things. 

As if. 

But it won’t fix things, ‘cause we’re actually misfiring. How so? Well, there’s an old maxim that illuminates: 

You can never fix a problem at the level of the problem. 

That means, when you ask and ask your partner to take out the garbage because you believe you’re furious over the lack-of-home-helpfulness and after many nagging times the reluctant or forgetful partner finally indeed takes the damn garbage out you imagine you’ll be relieved. And you are. 

For five minutes. 

Why? Because garbage was never the point. What’s really the (unconscious/unspoken) crux of the matter is: 

Your feeling of being unimportant;

disregarded; 

unheard; 

not a priority; 

left behind; 

or any other deeply held gripe. 

This anxiety provoking, grief tickling, brain pounding issue has, in fact, been driving you all your life. You learned it young. You carry it still, like an undiagnosed virus waiting to spring to life at the opportune time. 

Yep, battling is part of the relationship dance. Everyone does it, more or less. The only ones who don’t aren’t expressing any feelings at all - stuffing them down like smelly waste at the bottom of the garbage. 

That sure doesn’t help. 

Eventually the stink works its way out, leaving the relationship in ruins. Reminds me of a boyfriend I briefly had who said: 

“I’ve fought more with you in the first three months than I did with my wife in 10 years! In fact, she & I NEVER had a fight in all that time -- until the day she left me!!” 

Duh. Knock, knock. Anybody home?!?

Yes, here’s a big surprise for you: 

Struggle is actually, honestly, one of the greatest gifts relationship offers us.

Seriously? 

Indeed, yes. 

How so?:

Relationship combat brings us into conflict with our own most deeply held fears, feelings and fantasies. 

How we see ourselves through the eyes of others, confronts our old ideas and worst qualities. 

Therefore, If we can appreciate those rising partner issues as information mirrors we shall be well-served. Because amidst the consternation and challenge, partnership asks us to be better than we’ve ever thought we could be. It requests that we learn true service to other while simultaneously gathering our self-service wits about us. It denies our errant conclusion that if only we can find the “perfect” partner we can have the perfect life and feel like the perfect, complete person we always dreamt we could be. 

Sounds exhausting huh! 

Why bother, we often wonder. But somehow we keep being driving towards partnership. 

Why? 

Because relationship offers us a reclaiming of the wholeness we are meant to remember as does nothing else. 

Because relationship promises (with hard inner work) to repair the early life heartbreaks we all incur. 

Because relationship brings us back into our natural state of connectivity - the position we were born into when we started out inside a stomach connected by a hose. 

Many keep thinking there’s greener grass out there. 

There isn’t. 

That if only we move on, we can find “the one” with whom it will all be easy. 

We can’t. It won’t. 

Because we will be there too. 

Complete with all our historical mess. Clutching our doubts & fears like a precious flight carry-on designer case. Indeed, imagining the next person will make it all different dooms us to a lifetime of countless disappointing relationships. 

WE are the centerpiece of all the stories we’re telling. Know that. Also, appreciate that understanding as real power.  It means we don’t have to wait for others to change.

Point is, we can’t keep casting this precious experience called love aside because we (again) feel disgruntled and undervalued. We must discover why this feeling pursues us. Of course, once knowing our part, we must insist on getting our needs met!  If at that point our partners can’t/don’t hear us, by all means move on. 

Meanwhile, focus on changing self. 

That, I promise, will make all the difference.