From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: What’s Self-Love Got to Do With It?!

Shutting down & shutting up has been our forever teaching. Sure, things they are now achangin’ however, I promise, old habits are hard to kick. 

Perhaps you’ve been thinking amidst the many recent announcements: 

“Easy for her/him to speak out – s/he’s got the collaboration of press! My lover/partner will leave me; my mother/father/family cut me off; my friends will abandon me; my boss will fire me!” 

These (mostly secret) ideas we carry to keep ourselves down and out. 

Old, deeply held notions, concerns and fear-driven hesitations don’t work. That is, they don’t work if you want a better life.

I’m not at all suggesting you jump on the (already crowded) public bandwagon. Unless you simply must. Of course, it’s important to tell the truth…but it’s far better to fully , profoundly realize how “truth” includes you. Indeed, truth includes your participation, your here-to-now-reluctance, plus your learning along the way. 

Hopefully. Because that’s how real growing happens. Inside us and in the world.

My second husband beat me throughout our brief relationship. There are three parts to this: 

a) his abuse was not in any way okay; 

b) his beating me was about his relationship to his own life and history. Underneath it all had nothing really to do with me. I just happened to be the current woman who allowed it; 

c) his violence was a direct reflection of my self-loathing! Which part do you imagine has given me the most bang for my buck?! (Probably the underlined part right?!)

Yes, I could focus on what that man did to me or I could focus on what I did to me. I wanted real freedom so I chose the latter.

Knowing how that dreadful experience mirrored my inner contempt feelings has led to countless revelations – realizations that have not only supported, enlarged and sustained me in the years following that relationship, but also prepared me to be the wife of third husband; noisy, opinionated advocate for change; and teacher I am today.

Should I have stayed silent about the battering husband?? Of course not. Shame ruled the roost for a long time though, so I forgive myself.

Most importantly, over the years I’ve needed to claim consistent, real self-esteem. For if I did not do that his behavior was just a lousy incident report begging your pity, or finger-wagging or collusion. 

The healing took a long time. And I didn’t stop inviting terrible relationships. None were as obviously physical but many were just as egregious. Verbal violence counts. Betrayal counts. 

Abandonment counts. Simple meanness counts. Again, though, ALL reflected my self-esteem. 

Finally, I was able (mostly) to put my well-being ahead of my neediness, fear and yearning. 

Finally, I was able to love myself enough to let others love me in healthy ways. 

I want my experience to count for something. I want it to count for a new view and better future life. 

And it has.

That’s what I want for you too. 

Join me. 

Self understanding is the key to all that ails us.

Faithfully, Dr. Nicki