Ask Dr Nicki: Stepmon with No Respect

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki, 

I recently remarried and it's to a wonderful man. I think it’s really going to work this time, especially since I’ve learned so much about myself through my last marriage and divorce. 

The thing that isn’t working so well is my relationship with my new step kids. They seem to want nothing to do with me. I know I can’t take the place of their mother, but I’m at a loss as to how to earn their respect when they don’t even want to spend time with me. And how do I discipline them when they don’t even want to talk to me? 

I wish I could earn their love before having to discipline them, but some discipline just can’t wait, and their father isn’t around at every moment to do it. 

I’m completely frustrated and honestly, hurt. Any ideas on how to assume the role of step-mother in a loving yet…not a “pushover" way? Thanks so much!

Dr Nicki Says:

Dear New Step Mom-

First, let me admit I'm in no way an expert in this area, so seeking counsel with a blended family pro would be great. 

What I do know, however, is it's important for the kid's dad & you to be on the same parenting page. You will want to present a allied front, especially when it comes to household rules. So sit down with your new hubby and discuss chores, actions and consequences. 

Second, from my perspective your job right now is to offer safety and love. You're the new sheriff in town and they have to appreciate what you're about. Kids figure things out, though, so if you're consistent, authentic and loving they will find their way to you.

Obviously at play here is the children's relationship with their mother. Knowing nothing about that, nor about the age of the children, it's hard for me to smartly weigh in. 

What's certain, though, is YOU get to examine your own material about: rules; discipline; being the odd-person out; inclusion; rejection and whatever other feelings and/or concerns currently arising in you. 

Look at your (family of origin) history with regards to these things; recognize what issues you tend to get snagged on and work with those. 

That's where the power is...not in trying to immediately "fix" whatever the new family situation brings, but rather by getting clear about what the frustration and hurt you're experiencing is most truly about - the part of that frustration and hurt having zero to do with the children themselves.

Faithfully, 

Dr. Nicki


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