Ask Dr Nicki: Resolution Fail

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki, 

every year I write a good 10-15 resolutions that I’m sure will change my life to finally be what I want it to be, but I’m always disappointed by March! I DO want to make changes in my life, but this never seems to help.

Do you write New Year resolutions? And if not, how do you find the motivation to create new habits in your life? Thankful for any tips you’ve got! 

Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Unresolved!

Welcome to 2018! I'm glad to receive this question as I skipped my usual rail against resolutions, so here you given me my opportunity: 

resolutions don't work!

Everyone knows this. Still we persist. 

Every year, as if by collective mandate, we sign up for the disappointment of unmet resolutions. Perhaps we start strong, but inevitably we drop the resolution ball. 

Why?

There are several reasons: 

1) we tend to make ginormous, sweeping resolves no human could manage (i.e I'll work out every day for the rest of my life); 

2) we've never taken the time to understand the underlying reasons we've never persisted in doing the things we know are in our best interest but rather have chosen self-sabotage; 

3) we've never clearly come to understand our own (mostly unconscious) fears, needs and confusions.   

Point here is:

we all know what would be best for our lives and we most certainly don't need a particular day of the year to face the why's & wherefore's of our hesitations to operate in our healthiest, most productive ways. What stops us from taking action on our own behalf is the big question. But that's a question for another day.

For now here's the suggestion: 

Instead of resolutions (sure to let you down and leave you feeling defeated) try setting intentions. 

These intentions should be simple and doable, as in: 

I intend slowly but surely to eat in a healthier way. Today I shall start with taking sugar out of my diet. I will do that for today and tomorrow I'll look again to see if I want to commit to that day of no sugar. When I've done this one day at a time for a while I'll see what else I want to look at containing.

Or: 

My intention is to begin to be less critical as I walk through the world. Today I will criticize nothing out loud. If I feel/think critically I'll make a note & review my list at end of day. I will tomorrow try to recommit to the same procedure. I will follow this path as best I can one day at a time for 30 days. If I fall off the bandwagon and find myself being critical I'll simply notice it but refuse to criticize myself for my error.

The idea with both these kinds of actions is to notice what you feel when you change your behavior. 

In the long run, your underlying feelings are what you'll want to deal with. 

The behavior (whether terrible eating or terrible attitude) is merely symptomatic of something brewing within. 

Yes, again I offer you not the easy way, but the way that works for the long haul. 

Final words: 

We actually have the ability to change our lives but its not with the snap of our fingers or the making of year-end resolutions!

Change takes work. 

Change, though, is a matter of choice. 

Choose change.

Faithfully, Dr. Nicki



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