Ask Dr. Nicki: My Wife Wants a Divorce

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr. Nicki,

I’ve never considered going to a therapist before, or seeking anyone for life advice for that matter, but I don’t know where else to turn.

My wife just told me she wants a divorce, and I'm shocked, hurt, and at the end of my own answers.

I guess I’m open to anything now, anything that’ll possibly save my marriage. Do you have any advice on how to maneuver this in a way that may help her change her mind? Thanks.


Dr Nicki Says:


Dear Desperate:

A hugely broad question that can not be easily answered in this quicky forum. I will say, however, that I certainly understand folks hesitation when it comes to reaching out to a "stranger" for help!

Interesting, though, that for all sorts of life matters we go to experts all the time.

The mechanic to fix our cars;

the barber to cut our hair;

the audio expert to fix or install our equipment - and on it goes.

But when it comes to getting an expert to teach us how to explore our inner mechanics, so to speak, we balk. Feels too intrusive or personal or wimpy or etc.

Thing is:

Because we are in the middle of our own story, we can't really see ourselves clearly. We need a trained "mirror" to show us to us, to point out our undermining life habits and to offer tools for change.

So I hope you work up the courage to seek in-person counseling. Find out about yourself. Figure out what you've been doing to contribute to your wife's disgruntlement.

Perhaps she'll go with you to see her part too.

By the way, these collapses don't happen overnight and its interesting that you didn't see this coming! Time to wake up, for if we don't figure out what we've been doing and discover what needs to be different INSIDE US in terms of perspective and behavior we are certain to repeat the pattern in the next relationship!

You see:

Who we are and how we are with others begins with who we are and how we are inside self.

I'll bet you were hoping for a quick fix. Like everything in life, however, real change takes real time.

So give therapy a shot.

Invest in yourself.

You've got nothing to lose but your confusion!

Lovingly,

Dr. Nicki


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