Ask Dr Nicki: My Best Friend has Cancer

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki,

One of my best friends has been fighting cancer for months now, and it isn’t looking good. I don’t know what to do. I want to stay positive and encouraging, but I also want to make the most of what little time I may have left with him- and want him to do the same.

Should I keep holding out hope, or should I just accept the fact the results keep getting worse, and encourage him to spend the time he has left with friends and family...instead of endless treatment that doesn’t seem to be working?

He looks to me for advice, but I don’t know how to carry a decision like this, or how to be strong for him. Any thoughts you have on how to navigate this would be wonderful. Thank you so much.


Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Friend -

First let me acknowledge the bravery of your question. These are the truly important moments of our lives -- when we're asked to look truth sincerely in its sometimes bloated eye. Most run like hell into denial or self-centerdness or even immediate depression.

Instead, you are trying to face facts.

Let me secondly say:

This is not your choice to make, it is his.

Your job is to love him;

hold his hands and head;

support his decisions;

support his efforts to discover his decisions;

explore ritual with him;

talk about death with him;

talk about life with him;

go inside self to explore your own relationship to death and to life;

remember your relationship to him and tell stories of those remembrances;

keep your grieving mostly to yourself (or share with others out of his hearing);

appreciate the time you have together out loud;

laugh with him often;

and let him cry in your arms.

In other words, do everything you can except tell him to continue or not continue treatment.

There's an old adage:

Prepare for the worst & expect the best.

Thing is, we never really know what the best is.

We know what we prefer. But the Soul has it's own ideas of what's right and best. A number of years ago my greatest teacher Dr. Brugh Joy had a recurrence of the pancreatic cancer he'd beat seventeen years earlier. While going through treatment Brugh wrote to us (his students) all along, describing his learnings and analyzing his journey, all while he simultaneously prepared for both life and death. Whatever the outcome, then, he was as ready as we can be.

Of course, it was elegant and astonishing to witness. It was also heart-wrenching. Still, I believe his participation to be a vivid example of the most extraordinary celebration of Life we can engage:

The willingness to look death in the eye, not without fear, but with intention.

So dear writer, use this difficult circumstance to face your own opinions, concerns and doubts. Meanwhile, take your friends hand and walk with him -- wherever his journey leads.

Sending a Radiance of Love,

Dr. Nicki


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