Ask Dr Nicki: Lonely & Confused

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Hi Dr Nicki!

My friends keep trying to set me up on blind dates, and it’s really hard for me! It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship, and I know they mean well, but every time I try to go along with it I end up panicking and backing out.

I DO want to get out and meet people, so am I just sabotogueing that? Should I “stretch" myself by blind-dating? Or is it okay to try another way…even though none of the ways I’ve tried have really worked. I’m so confused! And frankly…still lonely. Thanks for any help!



Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Lonely One-

You could stretch yourself by taking your friends up on their date suggestions, however, that is most certainly not going to get to the bottom of your hesitations.

Guaranteed, your dating reservations have deep roots.

Actually, you want to want to meet people, however, in truth, you are not ready to do so! This means its not exactly that you're sabotaging yourself as much as it is that the fear driving your reluctance is based in old - probably VERY old- unmet inner material.

Sound foreboding?

It need not.

For like all my recommendations, my suggestion here will be aimed at empowering you and your life choices:

1. Appreciate that you are simply not ready to date.

2. Begin a self discovery process (either by reading & doing exercises - my book Our Love Matters: Find it, Fix it, or Let it Go has exercises that might assist.) to discover what drives this relationship fear.

As many times before I will suggest your initial explorations begin in childhood:

Looking at your parents relationship;

Messages you received about relationship;

Your self-esteem/confidence development;

Your ideas about vulnerability;

Your notions about heartbreak....and more.

Naturally, this is harder to do without guidance. There's many ways to go with that including therapy, and as I said books, and even some on-line courses.

This is only a bare answer to your question. The big take-away wants to be:

Until you discover, uncover & reveal what inner forces are holding you back its unlikely you will be able to move forward into relationship.

You will balk at every opportunity and even if you dive in to dating will continue to find problems with each encounter.

Learn to "date" yourself first.

Figure out what's going on inside. Understanding and embracing Self is always the path to sustained change.

Lovingly,

Dr. Nicki


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