Ask Dr Nicki: Feeling Holiday Pressured

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki, 

As you know, the holidays are coming up. I wish I could say I was excited it for it, but because of my dysfunctional family, even the thought of this season puts my stomach in knots. 

Pressure from my parents to be living differently, drama between my siblings and their partners, and family disagreements and tensions are all I have on the horizon. 

Yet I feel guilty for not wanting to be around my family this time of year. Any advice? If I could have it my way, I’d just go on a trip out of the country and skip the whole ordeal! For once have a happy holiday without expectations and loaded conversations! 

But…it’s family. 

What would you do in my situation?

Dr. Nicki Says:

Dear Feeling Holiday Pressured!

This is a quandary I run up against over and over -- the dilemma between pleasing family and taking care of self. 

In answering this question I'm going to assume you're at least in your mid twenties or older. Younger than that is a bit more complicated.

Let me begin by saying, as usual, the long game is to deal with the interior family drama you carry because whether you're with them at any particular time or not their patterns, mandates, perspectives, and messages are influencing everything you do and every relationship you have. 

To uncover and discover how that all works is a gorgeous and important journey. 

That being said, what's the immediate solution? 

Well, I like to say guilt is often the best bad feeling to choose in any given situation:

If you need to choose between self-contempt and guilt, choose guilt. 

If you must decide between fear and guilt, choose guilt. 

You get the drift.

Obviously you know what you want to do, but somehow imagine your absence will turn the tide of the event even uglier, or leave your family feeling bereft, or invite a sh-t storm of trouble coming your way from them. As to the first two, not at all. Sure, they may use your absence to complain (nothing new right?). And most likely they will do everything they can to make you feel terrible about your choices, but I say it's time to put your big-person pants on and weather the storm. 

Especially until you learn better boundaries - those handy ways of letting others know they need to treat you in a particular way if you're to participate in their lives as fully as you and they would prefer.

Okay there it is. I've given you the answer you were hoping for. 

Now do you have the courage to take that trip? 

To face their outrage or hurt? 

If so, have at it and bon voyage!!  

One way or the other let me again remind you: 

there's a great deal of internal work to do about your relationship to your family.  How do I know that? Because of the struggle you're presenting and the way you're talking about that struggle. 

So go see your family this season or don't. 

More importantly: 

Get busy doing some meaningful work on your relationship to Self and realize the many ways your family is still ruling your life choices. That way, next time such a question comes forward you'll be able to simply reach inside and smoothly pull up the answer.

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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