Ask Dr Nicki : Always Bringing Work Home?

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki,

I’ve been feeling really stressed lately. I think it may have to do partly with the fact that I can’t seem to "shut my brain off" after work! I clock out and go home, but my work “follows” me there. 

I don’t know how to stop thinking about it! 

Do you have any tips or tricks for how to kick this so I can be fully present when I’m off the clock? Thanks!!

Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Presence Challenged!

Naturally being in the Here and Now is the name of the game everywhere all the time! 

In fact, the how-to of this procedure has forever been the central conundrum of "civilized" human beings. Ever since we developed societal and literal machines able to free us from some of the grunt work of daily living, we've been ever more challenged to remember being present in all our affairs.  

Today, more than ever, with technology constantly at our finger tips we are moving further and further away from the presence we'd most rightly seek.

Does this sound like I'm not addressing your question? 

But I am. 

Because being "distracted" by work while at home or play is actually an extension of the overarching problem:

Distraction. 

The first and easiest thing you need to do is wonder what the payoff is of not being present where you are when you're there:

Does thinking about work make you feel more important, for instance? 

Are there things in your home/play life that feel dull, or too-tiring  or unfulfilling or not as validating as work? 

Do you imagine worrying about work constantly will make you more successful which will result in what?? 

There are a zillion questions to ask all circling around telling yourself the truth about what you get out of work stress, work focus and stress in general.

Next you want to explore what you imagine would be different if you successfully cut your work brain off at a certain point in the day. In other words, what happens when you allow yourself to be fully in the life right before you? 

Honesty is essential here if real shift is to ever happen.

Third, look at your family of origin's relationship to work matters: 

What messages did you get about success? 

Does success include being successful as a human being inter-relating to others in private matters or is it all about money or work accolade or....?

These are beginning explorations. Preferably you'll do your diving in writing so you can see your profile appear upon the page. 

Meanwhile try these two "tricks" as you'd say: 

1: Digging In: 

Say to yourself "If I weren't thinking about work right now what would I be feeling or what would I be thinking about?? Then go towards those feelings or thinkings by writing about them or talking about them to a friend or partner. You'll need to do this over and over as putting the beaks on the thinking train is no easy matter.   

2:Thought Stop: 

A process where you actually speak to the annoying work thoughts saying- "Stop!!!" then replace those thoughts with thoughts about what's right in front of you like "oh my kids look so content playing with that toy -- look at how they..." or, "there's nothing better than the feel of my back resting against this chair right this very minute. I can feel the fabric as it ...."

In the overall, the thing you will most want to confront is your entire relationship to Presence. 

This is a hefty confront and requires sincere delving. Though much has been written about this topic (indicating a very real yearning for many), in truth, we do not live in a world that encourages such, just as we do not live in a world that encourages the kinds of intimate connection with both self and other that comes from true presence. 

I will guarantee you, however, that Intimate Presence is the most delicious, gratifying experience you can possibly have so take the plunge - the water is divine! 

Swimming beside you,

Dr. Nicki



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