From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: Falling Towards Heartfelt Matters

Seven years ago I had a little spate of falling. Not in love, well not more than usual. Not under spells, well not more than usual. Rather, falling down. On the ground. Splat. For no apparent reason. The third time got my attention.

The doctor began exploring my heart. It's never occurred to me -- this need to attend the physical heart. I am my mother's daughter all around and she was always in her lifetime heart hardy, assuming we're talking about the instrument not the sharing.

My doctor is a frump dumpy looking gal. They’d never cast her to play a doctor on TV. Every thought registers on her face. Every test gives her pause. Her cheeks puff out and her nose wrinkles as if to say: ‘Well, we're simply baffled! Baffled.' I've learned over time this means little. It’s simply her manner. Still, it’s challenging when you've fallen over and again for no apparent reason, to face the baffled face. At the time I resisted the temptation to ruffle my feathers.

The EKG suggested a sluggish heart. Maybe too much exercise, she theorized. An athlete's heart. I had to laugh. Yes I exercise many hours a week, however this Russian Jewish body deftly sloughs off athlete with a loud grimace.

A heart monitor is next. Hanging around the neck, thumping against the body like rude knuckles. Plus, doctor suggests an MRI. The neurosurgeon recommends it, she said. Neurosurgeon. Adding tiers of doctors now.

“Claustrophobia?” she asked. Occasionally. Drugs will help, she responded. I don't ever do drugs…anymore...many, many years it’s been. I quickly picture the tight metal confinement. How long in? “Forty five minutes,” she replied wrinkling her face again. Oh, I answered, drugs sound dandy.

Two days later the heart monitor results suggest additional heart testing. Echocardiogram.

Now I'm getting nervous. Surrender Dorothy!

No big thing, said my husband, who was treated for cancer. Worse case, maybe you'll need a pace-maker. The words, dry as old age, crackle on my lips. You'll have more energy than you know what to do with, he offered. Surrender Dorothy!

As it turned out nothing was wrong. To this day we’re still not sure why I was falling. Maybe we all need to fall, though, now and again, so we can remember how to stand tall. Perhaps life calls us this way and that when we’re getting sleepy. Whatever the ‘reason’ I know this: When it comes to matters of the Heart it’s no good ignoring signs.

I’ve spent this last many years honoring, expanding, allowing and vividly expressing this bold heart of mine, and I must say it’s been the best years of my life. So this day, for no smart or especially pertinent or driven reason, try offering that nicely beating heart hither, thither and yon. And don’t wait ‘til falling makes you do it.



** this is a re-post of a blog that first posted on July 7, 2016