From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: In Praise of Heartbreak

I hear it a lot. The bemoaning, griping, resenting and rejecting of heartbreak.


Understandable. But wrong.

“I’m in so much pain -- I’ll never fall in love again!” “My first love hurt me so badly I just shut down permanently.” “I can’t go through this again!! I just can’t. I won’t survive.”

Thing is, you will fall in love again, and the first love that hurt you probably happened at home when you were a kid in your household, not in this recent heartache situation, and you absolutely can go through this again and you will survive…again.

Listen up – in fact, heartbreak is the best thing that can happen to us. Sound crazy?! It’s true though.

Yes, that’s right. The best. Because it means we’re actually using our heart. Because each heartbreak grows our capacity for more and more love. Because the unbroken heart is the unused heart, which is threatened with atrophy, as are all unused muscles. Because the heart that’s broken is the heart that lets the light in. And most of all, because love is what we’re here to learn and give and be.

I’m not isolating love to romantic love either. You can have your heartbroken over a beloved creative project that never got appreciated or fell flat. You can be heartbroken by the loss of a coveted job or even of a precious perspective. You can feel your heart break when a dear friend feels the friendship has run its course. And then of course there is the heartbreak of loss. People die. Dreams parish. The body weakens.

But there is nothing in life done with full Heart that will in the long run let us down. Even when things don’t turn out the way we think they should. Even when our way is not the road taken. Even when someone else takes the prize. Yes, we are meant to use all the parts that came with the package called being human. The brain; the body; the spirit and naturally – the heart. We must use them all to our fullest capacity. That’s why we have them. Not to put them away on a shelf until a special day. Not to hold on to them with steel grip out of fear.

Life is an extraordinary miracle. It’s even called ‘the miracle of birth’ and if you’ve ever seen any of the films on that you’ll agree. Amazing we can make it into life in the first place with all the sperm and eggs have to go through to make us happen. And everything starts with the heartbeat. No heartbeat, no life.

We treat our capacities for love as if they’re limited and easily bruised. They’re not. We are resilient. To the core. And so are our hearts.

So let those hearts shatter again and again. Welcome the big-hearted experience that’s sure to leave you in tears at some point. Because every time you cry for what has or hasn’t happened, you edge closer towards your full capacity. Now get out there and love as if your life depends on it. Because it does.


** this is a re-post of a blog that first posted on August 11, 2016