Lack of sexual desire in men: what’s happening??

Magazines and smart men’s health experts cite low testosterone; depression and stress as the three sex-drive deflaters in man (in fact, both men and women), but I have another perspective.

I’ve been stunned to realize in the last decade how many times in working with couples it’s the women complaining to me about how little their men want sex! Obviously, that’s not the collective belief, or in quarters where it is noted, women are still viewed as the crux of the sexual anorexia matter. This perspective feels short-sighted and without sociological awareness to me.

What I’m seeing is the (unconscious) result of women’s rise to visible power.

We see them leading organizations;

political communities;

being the kick-ass but still vulnerable heroes of film and especially amazing television shows;

captains of industry;

entrepreneurial front-runners, and the list goes on.

Women are speaking out and showing up. For themselves, for other women and for their communities. Some might say this is not new. I’d beg to differ. When women first moved into “power” they did it basically masquerading as men.

Dressing like men;

sounding like men;

hiding their intuitive, vulnerable sides;

compartmentalizing in the masculine way.

In fact, we left our best “woman stuff” behind. Now that’s changing.
         
All this is dandy but where does that leave men? Confused; feeling unmet; undervalued in and for previously revered ways; de-potentiated. Ah, there’s the biggie:

Because besides testosterone levels and stress affecters, nothing takes the zip out of a man’s manhood more than reduction of the perceived power to wield influence, or to make a valued impression.

Isn’t this important to both sexes? Sure. But women have been historically and biologically trained that their “power” is in reproductive capacity, which is supposed to get magnified by developing succulent beauty. Men on the other hand have been traditionally and biologically trained to kill the fatted calf so the family can eat. Even though for a long time now, though the calf gets purchased, the underlying dynamic stays the same -- more money means more beef in the bigger-is-better freezer.

Need to prove prowess hasn’t changed….only the details.

Poor fellows. Even the best among us get confused. Pills might work to get the sexual job done but don’t touch the desire issue. A woman without desire can fake it (ugh). A man without desire...well, you know how that goes. Eventually a balance needs to be struck, but that’s an ongoing process. It’s coming -- really it is -- but the change pendulum takes its sweet time to swing.

Meanwhile, withholding does it's best to take charge, proclaiming “you may think you have power here and there, but I’ve got the power to refuse intimacy of all kinds, including sexual intimacy, so put that in your new woman pipe and smoke it!” It’s most often unconscious and a lousy way of exhibiting power.  Women have been doing it for centuries. Now men in increasing numbers are jumping on the refusal bandwagon.

Again, most of the time there’s no malice of forethought, just a frustrated, depressed withdrawal.

Obviously, we need to find another way.

Women are more than fertility vehicles and men are more than ATM’s.

We’ve been acting for a long time as if we know this.

Do we? Deeply?

We are all meant to find what makes us great, and generously offer that to the world around us, starting, naturally with our partners if we are blessed to be in a working relationship.

Solutions begin with intimate dialogue.

With facing the deep self-doubt and fear needing to be vulnerably expressed.

It ain’t easy, but it's the way the world can find its way back to love.