Ask Dr. Nicki: Dreading Holiday Chaos & Crowds

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!


Dear Dr Nicki, 

The holidays are here and once again I’m hating myself for dreading this time of year while everyone else looks so happy. 

It’s not that I don’t enjoy my family, I just hate crowds and all the chaos. It doesn’t seem to bother everyone else, but all of it just get’s overwhelming to me. I don’t like malls, I don’t like large events, I don’t like struggling to come up with things to chit-chat about at large parties, I don’t like all the bright lights and noise. 

But it all seems unavoidable this time of year. Am I just a freak of some sort? A kill-joy? I want to enjoy the holidays too! Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

Dr Nicki Says:

Dear Holiday Dreader!

First of all, you're not a freak or kill-joy - you're an introvert! 

Nothing at all wrong with that. Plus, you're assuming everyone is having a blast while you suffer! Not so:

Many, many people struggle with the holiday's for various reasons including the ones you've enumerated. Not so helpful, though, is it knowing others suffer too?! 

So here's some things that might actually help (some of which I'll bet you've thought of):

a) Shop on-line to avoid malls.

b) There's little real reason to go to a "big" party. If you must (work event or family function) pick out one or two people you feel a bit more comfortable with and focus on them for a time. The more you let yourself be truly interested in them and less worried about how they feel about you; and/or spend less time comparing yourself with everyone else there, the better time you're likely to have. 

c) Above all:

You never ever need to get involved extensively with small talk!! 

Yes, you may be shocked to know it's perfectly fine (and even preferable) to be authentic by offering "real" conversation everywhere, all the time and parties are no exception. 

What does this mean? 

Well, for example you might start with: 

"Wow, these kind of parties are challenging for me!" Said in a light manner such a statement will immediately open the lines of quality communication. 

Try it - what's the worst that can happen!!? 

Now, if this opening gamut throws the listener off they will simply drift away and you can try with another, however, I'm willing to bet you'll be surprised by how many agree with you and are relieved to hear you speak out loud what they themselves are thinking. Why do you imagine people drink so much at these gatherings? Mostly because they're uncomfortable!!

d) Finally, I suspect much of your discomfort arises out of your tendency to constantly remind yourself how uncomfortable you are. Try talking differently to yourself. Say things like: 

"I'm going to see what I can learn out of this evening!" 

Or: 

"I wonder what interesting people will be here I've never talked to!"

Yes, dear holiday goer, the best idea (and I realize this is radical!) is to be honest with those around you. Let them comfort you in this season of overwhelm. 

Many will want to walk beside you. 

Let them.

Lovingly, 

Dr. Nicki


To get YOUR questions answered please submit to: drnicki@stucknomore.com  
OR on any of Dr Nicki's social media!
Facebook: @DrNickiMonti | Instagram: @DrNickiMonti | Twitter: @DrNicki 
Feel free to submit anonymously or by name.