Ask Dr Nicki: Seeking Romance

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki, 

Recently a friend of mine brought up the topic of Chick Flicks. He claimed that women watching chick flicks can be just as damaging to relationships as men watching porn- in that it creates an view of men that is often contrary to reality, just like porn creates a false idea of women. I love watching my chick flicks, but if I’m honest, I have seen how I sometimes get upset at my husband for things he does that seem less tender or understanding as the men I see in these movies. I’m still thinking this through, and would love to hear your thoughts on it! Thanks so much!

Dr. Nicki says

Dear Seeking-Romance!

What a truly interesting question! It brings us into conversations about what makes men and alternatively women feel important, connected, valuable, powerful, sexy, desired, desirable and more. It explores fantasy vs so-called reality; fiction vs "truth"; True intimacy vs fabricated connection. It invites an analysis of relationship divides and correspondences.  And that's just for openers!

Obviously in the pithy answer world we need to choose a topic lane so for now let's start with: 

Is your friends point well-taken? 

Answer: Indeed it is.

Let's then jump immediately to solutions. Kinda. 

a) Share the chick flicks/share the porn. Each gender pick up tips; 

b) Enter into a frank discussion about what's missing for each person in the coupleship either romance-wise or sex-wise; 

c) individually explore your relationship to sexual fervor as well as to emotional intimacy. Is there an idealizing or romanticizing going on?

Look, it's pretty hard to compete with perfect pictures whatever the realm. Twenty-two year old overnight "influencer" millionaires have the potential of making everyone feel behind the curve. 

Photo-shopped perfect bodies can give rise to rampant inferiority feelings and body shame. 

Fairy tales (modern chick flicks) with ideal endings can leave us feeling resentful of mortgages, socks in the middle of the floor and forgotten anniversaries - the stuff of real relationship. 

On screen frantic sexual fervor seeming to arise because of the very sight of him can leave us feeling breathless but not in a good way. 

And on it goes. 

The real story is: 

Everything exceptional takes consistent hard work, attention to detail and true, purposeful want. [tweet this]

You can have a gorgeous sex life. You can have a wondrous romantic life. You can find inspiration in the world right here, right now -- if only you decide to do so. 

What we decide has meaning has meaning. It's pretty simple. 

Look your life in the eye. If you decide the reality of that life is meaningful it shall be. But be forewarned: you'll need to decide over and over again. 

Why? 

Because that's just the way it works.  

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki

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