Ask Dr. Nicki: Grown & Still At Home

Once a week I present this feature called, "Ask Dr. Nicki" featuring a question that either a) I generate myself from commonly asked questions, or b) a question that somebody submits to me. I really hope that each and every one of you gets something from my advice!

Dear Dr Nicki,

I need some advice regarding my son. He’s 28 and still living at home, and doesn’t even chip in much around the house. He just sleeps in, plays video games, and goes out with a couple friends once in awhile. 

I’ve gotten so frustrated at his lack of goals and initiative that I’ve threatened to make him get his own place, but my husband always caves and lets him stay. I think since my husband's father was so hard on him, he always wants to be a support to our children. But to me it feels like our “support” is becoming more of a hinderance…for us and our son. 

I have no idea how to deal with this situation! Please help!

Dr Nicki Says:


Dear Frustrated-

So many parts and pieces are to be addressed in your question I shall begin by listing them. In the end, however, I'll only focus on YOU.

What's to be done abut:

- your son's inability or unwillingness to proactively create a life for himself

- your husband's lack of boundaries (arising out of known but unmet historical material)

- your lack of boundaries (arising most likely out of unmet historical material)

- the absence of good, effective communication between you and your husband

- your fears around taking a clear stand

- your husband's confusion between support and enabling (rampant codependancy)

- your collaboration with that confusion

There's more, of course, but that's a start. Okay let's jump in.

Please realize: 

Whatever is happening at this time with your son (and with you, with your husband, with you and your husband and your son) has been going on for decades. At this point, the idea is to discover what inner beliefs support the outer actions being taken or being avoided.

Begin by asking yourself: 

What rules and boundaries did I set when the kids were growing up? 

What were the rules/boundaries in my own family of origin experience? 

How did my parent's parent me? 

What has stopped me from being more assertive in my own relationship? 

How do my husband and I resolve issues? 

What's my part? 

How do I feel about confrontation and why? 

What am I most afraid will happen if I insist we do with our son what I know is right? 

What in my history initiated this kind of fear in me?

Obviously these are only meant to be provocative preliminary questions. The idea is to begin with focusing on your contributions to the problems of the household and what in you stimulates the fearful, anxious or disempowered position you've put yourself in.

That being said:

I strongly suggest you as a family seek counseling and/or you and your husband find a good therapeutic advisor. What might also be helpful is to find a Codependence Anonymous or Alanon meeting (or half dozen meetings) to attend. 

Perhaps though, it is likely that your son is depressed and/or dealing with some interior issues not being addressed. Certainly he is showing an unwillingness/inability to emerge as an adult. Individual therapy for him is advised. The brief tidbits here offered are meant only to stimulate enquiry as well as new outer action.

In summary: 

As you very well know, you are not at all helping your son. Also, you are not helping your marriage and- most importantly (believe it or not!)- you're not growing yourself. 

You KNOW the solutions. The question on the table is this:

What's keeping you from enacting those solutions!?

Faithfully,

Dr. Nicki