From the Brain of Dr. Nicki: Wherever You Go, There You Are!

Yesterday evening I had the pleasure of attending a screening of a sweet little film called "The Last Man’s Club". Lovely people; lovely intention. Not a lot of ego-elbowing. It’s a nice change in Hollywood to have such an endearing movie experience.  After the film I went to the ladies room where I encountered the cutest, most instantly charming maybe 10 year old black child you’ll ever meet. She looked like she was dressed for a party, complete with sparkle dress and shoes. Immediately I said: “What a pretty dress!” “Thank you,” she replied buoyantly as we both disappeared into bathroom stalls. Then from inside her stall she said: “I like your hair!” “Well, thank you!” I smiled from my stall, thinking ‘how great – after all, when a ten year old likes your hair you must still be relevant’.

The next exchange took me a little by surprise: “Do you have a husband?” she asked from her cubby. “Yes, I do,” I answered. “Is he ill?” she said quickly. “Uh, no, no he’s not,” I said. “What would make you ask that…..??” But she was gone, like Alice down the rabbit hole. It only took a second to put together the likelihood that the girl was the child of an ill father. 

So what’s the point of this story? From the very beginning, everywhere we go, we are inevitably announcing ourselves. Telling others who we are and about our circumstances. We do it with the way we dress. With our dialogue. With our manner. Naturally, we are seldom as forthright as this lovely child. Kids are that way, especially if they come from encouraging homes. They speak their mind. Connect unselfconsciously. But as we grow up we learn to mask our concerns, questions and considerations. We are less likely to be unbound in our ability and willingness to connect. We begin to measure our words and ways. We begin to measure our lives. But none-the-less – and make no mistake about it – we are inevitably announcing ourselves…telling everyone we meet what our most pressing concerns are. We do it with language as in: “Do you understand?” and “Do you know what I mean?” We do it with body language, as when we cross our arms to protect our feeling center, or purse our lips to hold back our words, or shake our leg ‘cause we want to run our way, or tap our fingers ‘cause we’ve unspoken anger.

Revealing our stories through our ways and means is not a bad thing. Problem is instead of realizing how transparent we’re being, or owning our positions, fears, fragilities and focus we bob and weave imagining we’re cleverly staying ‘private’. Why bother? Because as we grow up we come to the conclusion that being visible is dangerous; that being open-hearted invites pain; that being connected is something we must earn.

Nonsense. I mean it. Pure nonsense. The truth is open-hearted connection is the best game in town. All we need to do is decide. Well, that and figure out what’s actually standing in the way of our ‘want to’.  But whether you determine transparency to be a good idea or not be aware – we see you anyway! And believe it or not that’s the good news.