Thirty Years in the Making!

Konrad and I recently celebrated our thirty-year anniversary. 

We started out rough. We were the battling bickersons. Anywhere anytime was fine. To think back on it now is...embarrassing. 

I wish I could say it never happens anymore. I can’t. I can say -- like sudden torrential rains in Los Angeles, instantly obliterating our view before disappearing quickly -- horrible fights are now rare. Sure, things get a little drenched here and there, but eventually sun persists. Yes, the awful blatant battles have simmered down, but the small squabbles are still alive and well. 

How come? 

Because we’re human and human beings suffer constant growing pains. 

As with baby bones, those pains are real. We’re lucky, actually, because its the growing pains that keep us awake: 

If you don’t continue to discover, you’ll never recover your truest and most brilliant self! 

That’s why you’re here with me, whatever else you may say...to become the best version of you, with your partner or without. 

What are the symptoms of this ongoing struggle-pain? 

We yearn and groan; feel disappointment and pout; fall down and outrage; feel unmet, unseen, unknown and withdraw; have flashes of knowing that dissolve, like cotton candy bites; feel forgotten because of age, beauty, bank account, creative excellence, potency; by comparison; or finally, feel judged by results. It’s easy to sit under a withering tree, teary-eyed and forget original love intention.   

What in the dear world does intention have to do with it all? 

Everything. 

Remembering purpose and keeping a sweet eye on what matters. Matter is what grows the flowers and butters the bread. Yes, without hesitation I reveal that my relationship with self and world is constantly a work in progress. I’m a daily digger. And sure, that’s not always fun, but around the time I’m wishing the chafing would stop, I remember how the privilege of relationship calls me to enter both scary and messy rooms, which eventual makes both me and us better. 

Luckily, I keep being brought back to the important things. 

Like life and death. 

Hubby was gravely ill recently. Death lingered outside the house waiting for invitation. Terrifying. But in the wake of it all my heart opened in new, previously unexperienced ways. See I give a lot at the office and by the time I get home I often feel too spent to offer my full heart. 

No bueno. 

But in this period I found an un-selfcentered love for Konrad. It was hard and exhausting but in its way, blissful. I was able to aim my skillfully crafted in-the-service-of-love arrow at the most important person in my life...the one I’d fought with, reviled, at times tried to erase, but who throughout our several decades together had unflaggingly loved me in all my ever-changing iterations.  

This bad health siege woke me up. I remembered my purposeful intention….to grow through and past my childhood history into a truly evolved adult with the ability to allow personal love. 

You see, I’d already become one who could love the many, but was challenged in my ability to love the one.

What am I really saying in this “confessional”? 

I’m saying that all the fighting with Konrad was really me fighting my demons of the past. Not that he didn’t have his own contributing demons. Not that either of us are done, which is why from time to time we again each pick up our battle swords. But I know these things as truly as anything: 

Life is worth the fight.

Love is worth the pursuit. 

I am worth the effort. 

You are worth your effort.

And I must learn what I can until all the unholy lights go out.  

What a glad life this is. Thank you for joining me.